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We rode by the House on the Hill, it’s not scary or anything, it’s just high on a hill. Not that you would notice with all the trees in the way, but you can see the grey shillings of the roof peek over the top of the highest green leaves of the trees. I remember when the people who lived in that house up and left for no reason, they up and left Pennsylvania and put the house up for sale. That was only last year, we kept on moving on the road and soon the scenery just turned in to a huge big blur of green. We rode by again only a few weeks later, this time we were on the rode up the hill. Going to go and hang out at a friends house, the sign as we passed told me it was SOLD, huh I thought,
who would buy a house like that all the way over here?
It wasn't long after that that the people started telling stories about the first sightings of this woman who bought and is restoring the old Montanye House. (That’s the House on the Hill) They say she is a fetish freak, and you don't get a lot of those here around Fairview, Pennsylvania. I mean there is really only like 220 people in this little town! The word spread fast of this weird woman.
A bright Sunday me and my friends ( some of the ONLY teens in the area) were walking down to the only general store, and out came a women who looked like a fresh big pink sunshine ray. She was smiling like she had a secret, and her clothes looked like baby clothes, or girl clothes from the 1800's or something, but she wasn't a kid, she had to be almost 30 years old! My friends and I stopped to stare at her as she walked by us, passed us, and than stopped and turned around. She smiled a huge smile and politely said "Hello, fine Sunday isn't it?", than turned and walked away with a brown general store bag in her hand like nothing happen, like me and my friends weren't staring at her like she was a freak. She seemed nice enough, but her clothes where all wrong! Why couldn't she dress like everyone else? Was there something wrong with her brain? At that thought my belly started to burn, and the flame went up to my throat and to my brain. I hated this weird female. Weeks pass, and I don't see her again, a good thing too, the little freak.
On a cloudless starry night, my friends and I had a drink to the freedom of our youth. As the sweet liquid puts my mind to sleep it also gives me a good question that has been in the back of my head for awhile. If you hate the freak woman so much what are you going to do to change her? I am no badass, but I knew from some classes that scaring them can make them change, or even leave! (That would be so much better) I turn to my friends and tell them of my brilliant plan, almost everyone agrees this is an excellent way to have fun, and getting rid of the woman wouldn't be too bad either. Except for one, a sissy says that it’s not right, and that she isn't too different. I slurred out “Shut the Hell up youuus sissy, if you ain't got the balls go head and leave, woman!" He muttered under his breath and started walking home. "That's right! You can walk your happy butt home! We ain't got no room for sissy man in our truck! Hahaha!” yelled one of my drinking buddies John, we high-fived, and than walked up to the House on the Hill to have some fun.
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My name is Winifred Eudora Eliza Collins, but my friends call me Winnie. I was never a special child; I was never GREAT at something. My parents where OK, neither to mean or too nice, and took good care of me. I lived a life near the sea, in Savannah, Georgia. I lived my years going to downtown Savannah and River's Street. My parents rented out the beach house we lived in for the tourist's. They got the upstairs and we got the down, and I learned all there is to know about the art of renting house's. By the time I graduated high school and moved into college I already knew where I want to go with my life, but unsure how to get there or what I was going to do once I reached the end of my road. However, while I was away at college I met the best person ever, Charlotte, and it became our dream to open up a Bed and Breakfast. Only our B&B was going to be very different, you see Charlotte introduce me to a new way of life, and now I wasn't the boring girl who was never GREAT at anything, I was a princess. I was in a world where I never had to grow up! I was the female version of Peter Pan! Charlotte and I wanted to share this revelation with the world, and so we decide to have a THEMED Bed and Breakfast! When we graduated we went searching for the PERFECT house. We found it in a little town of Fairview, Pennsylvania with the population of about 22O people. When we saw the house we knew it was perfect, and got a loan and bought it and than started renovations right after ward. Now everyone will want to come to our beautiful house, travel back in time, in the elegant and sweet Bed and Breakfast. We were going to let people know that there was a way to stay young forever and that was a subculture and way of life called Lolita.
When the house was bought we paid to have people come in and fix it up how we wanted, even if it included adding some more rooms to the house. It was very expensive, and hopefully our Bed and Breakfast would take off to pay the evil bank back. I got on to the internet and sent out a Lolita frill call of stress to all the others, asking for some help with employers. Charlotte and I got three girls willing to work with us and live with us too. (We would be staying in the Bed and Breakfast too.) They were the twins Judith and Cynthia, and one other girl, Mary Elisabeth. While the girls came from around the country and moved in, and I found my neighbors who owned some horses who would teach people at our Bed and Breakfast to ride. There was Isaac, and his apprentice Luke (I haven’t met him yet) who was also worked at other jobs around town. It seems that my and Charlotte's fairytale dream was coming true. The house was all done and looked like a set off a movie, it was perfect! We were all moving in, getting to know each other, and starving. I volunteered to go down to the small general store to pick up some food. While I have been to town before, it seems the town people have not yet gotten used to me.
I put on my bloomers, petticoat, socks, my ribbon-wrapped pink and white skirt by Metamorphose Temps de Fille and the matching top. My hair curled slightly I put on an Alice bow in my hair and grabbed my purse and started to walk out the door, than I remembered its usually to wear shoes on such outings and slipped on some Pink tassel ribbon shoes, ready for some food, I than glided out of the door. The general store wasn't anything special, once like me, you could have seen it in any small town in the United States. "Paper or Plastic?" I turned on the tip of my toe to look at the acne check outer and said, "Paper please, if you would, I have a long way to walk and I would not like to have to pick up groceries off the ground.” The teenager laughed and replied “That has happen to me once or twice too." I grabbed my one bag and slightly curtsied and thank the nice boy for his help. I walked into a brilliant shine once I left the comfort of the store. It was an enchanted Sunday, and I turned to walk home and noticed three boys staring at me like I was an alien. I have often had the reaction and so thought nothing of it. If my mother could get to the way I dress than this little town near Lake Erie could too. I Walked right pass them, and last minute I turned and said, "Hello, fine Sunday isn't it?" With a smile on my face I watched the startled teenagers. I than turned and walked on to my new home; The House on the Hill or to us at the Bed and Breakfast, the Montanye House, my new home. When I entered the newly redone house I shouted to all three levels of the Victorian house, “I am home with eggs and bacon hunny!” A laugh sounded from up stairs and my room mate giggled down. “I thought you went out for bread and wine, Darling.” She headed down the stairs, Charlotte's deep red long hair bounced around her shoulders as she flowed down the stairs, her cute moi-meme-moitie dress ruffled around her. She smiled sweetly and took the crunchy paper bag from my hands, and she led the way to the new kitchen. While she put the bag down on the counter and turned to me and said, “How was it out and about on the town? Sis, you see anything worth buying besides healthy food?” At the mention of healthy food her face turned sour, her cream completion scrunching up in the cutest pout. I threw my head back in laughter.

P.S: Pretty pretty please don't steal my story or my ideas, please!
thank you again!

First I have something to say about some sentences that looked a bit strange to me, but that can be just me, as English isn't my mother tongue.

I remember when the people who lived in that house up and left for no reason, they up and left Pennsylvania and put the house up for sale.
I've never heard up and left before, but that's probably just me. It's also a bit weird how you repeat the 'up ans left'. I can't really see if the repetition is intentional or if it's just caused by writing everything down at once. If it is indeed intentional, I'd put a full stop in between reason and they, but that's just a matter of personal style and preference.

We rode by again only a few weeks later, this time we were on the rode up the hill.
Is the second 'rode' meant to be road?

It wasn't long after that that the people started telling stories about the first sightings of this woman who bought and is restoring the old Montanye House. (that's the House on the Hill)
I'm personally not a fan of putting things between brackets and especially like this. It makes it look like you didn't plan the story and didn't bother to alter it. I think it's better to put the name of the house in the beginning, when you introduce the house to everyone. And if you really want to keep it, I would put the brackets first, and then the full stop, as the content between the brackets belongs to that sentence, and not the following.

I Walked right pass them, and last minute I turned and said,...
typo again, pass = past?

I than turned and walked on to my new home.
Last typo, shouldn't 'than' be 'then'?

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And now a bit about the story itself:
It looks like a good beginning of a story, but as a story itself it's missing an end. It'd be nice to know what the boys are actually going to do with the poor lolita. And what about the 'sissy' boy that didn't want to go with them? Even though I have to admit I myself often write stories for school that make no sense for people who can't read minds, and it might be okay if it's just a small assignment, but if it's going to be a big thing, I'd change it a bit and add an ending. Unless teachers explicitly say then don't want you to write more than 2 pages or something, they often don't mind if you write more. And if they've said something like that, I think you should cut the lolita's history a bit in order to have more space for an actual plot.

And last I'd like to say that this is just my opinion and you should just read it, think a bit about it and then decide if you want to change it or not.

PS: I've been wondering about something:
Why do you ad a - every time you start a new paragraph? I've never seen anyone do that.

thanks xine! yeah I am not very good at Grammar... or spelling... so I will look over those.
the reason my story doesn't have a end is cause I haven't wrote it yet. but I will be soon. I know how the story is going to go and all that jazz... so sorry for that, and my assignment from my class is to make a short story. I really wanted other Loli's opinion on my story because it is about the lolita life style and fashion. I wanted to have another Lolita's opinion besides my own. Thank you again on the critic. ( and the - for my paragraphs is because the tab key didn't want to work for me. )

You're welcome.
And if the tab key doesn't work, it sometimes helps to add five spaces instead of the -.

can't wait to see what happens!

Usually on forums and other comment boxes online, the spaces get cut out when there's more than one - that's why in those symbol picture things they have lots of full stops to fill in the space.

As to the actual story, I loved it :) I liked especially how you have it from both perspectives.

But just some more typos:
and I learned all there is to know about the art of renting houses.
My parents rented out the beach house we lived in for the tourists.
neither to mean nor too nice

Good story

Hi! thank you all for your help, and for reading my story! I have updated my story! It is now finished! Hope you all enjoy it!

I don't mean to tell anyone what to do, but I feel this should be somewhere else or with a link to wherever you are writing it. Your story is taking up a great deal of space.